I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
