please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just cut my nipple shaving
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
