I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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