I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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