we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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