What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
