i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
