pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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