We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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