Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
