im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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