dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
