I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
