I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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