the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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