the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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