If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
