Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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