Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
