just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
