I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
