Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
