I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Randomize
