Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
