I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
