Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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