Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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