i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
