the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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