drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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