I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
