I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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