i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
