you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
