apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Drunk is not a location!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
