Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
