Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
