She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
