I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
