I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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