the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
