I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
how drunk are you?
Several
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
