did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
