I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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