Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
