end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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