dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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