doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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