The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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