1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
